"she fell in love w/ advertising the way a young girl falls in love with love - wholeheartedly, irrevocably and with a naivete that quickly morphed to disenchantment, cynicism and the urge to slap the shit out of that which she thought she loved in the first place"

You just haven't found...

I was walking today and thinking of my work-out. More specifically, I was thinking of my current marathon training and what little - if any - excitement i get from my runs.  And I said to myself, quoting my physical therapist, "you just haven't found the right activity that motivates you ".... and I realized that phrase "you just havent found..." has been uttered in so many iterations for me:
you just haven't found the right job
you just haven't found the right guy
you just haven't found the right agency
you just haven't found that right motivation

and a small flash of anger fills me b/c I think - jeez, what the hell have i been doing all these years? If in 32 years, I haven't found (insert subject here), what makes me think I'll find it now? If I'm no more closer to finding MYSELF, what wasted days have passed me by?

Where do I even start? What part of the equation do I try to figure out - if it's all a sweater, what's the missing thread that will help bring it all together? And really, how plausible is it to find it now?

It's been 32 years, and I just havent found much of anything.

The Interview

So wow, leaving your hometown, that's a pretty big move. What made you decide to relocate?


Well, honestly, I've been looking for something a little different for a while now. I think changing scenery and looking at different markets will help keep ideas fresh. I want to see how other companies work and expand my way of looking at things.
(well, honestly, i just need to get out. I have been stuck in LA w/ the same life, nothing changing, and the sameness is killing me. I just need to leave...to be someone else)


That's great. Have you always lived in Los Angeles? Do you know anyone here?


Yes, I'm a total Angelena (laughs). Probably one of the few true natives. I know a couple of people, but I think that's part of the excitement - meeting new people, making new friends...
(I dont anyone here and i dont care. I just want to be alone. Go someplace where i dont sit there expecting him to walk into the same bar even though the chances of that happening is zilch..zero...i know b/c i've been watching the door of every bar for the past 5 years)


Well, the market is much smaller here and you'll find the pace is a little different. Are you ready for a change?


That's part of the allure - is being able to do great creative but w/ a different perspective. I am looking for a better work/life balance, though obviously, knowing that there will be certain time when work comes first. But I've heard that there is an emphasis on the personal life and I've always felt that in order to stay creative and engaged, you have to have a fulfilling life outside of our industry.
(I just need to be gone. I just need to go to a place where his ghost isn't on every corner, in every restaurant. To stop hiding at my agency - working 14 hour days so to never catch glimpse of a red mustang, torn before wanting it to be him, to not be him, for him not to see me. I want to stop never going home b/c i know there is nothing there...i want to come back from the walking dead)


I mean, your resume is outstanding. Would you be able to start right away or are there some commitment or timing issues we'd need to consider?


Thank you. I am definitely ready to take the plunge. I would have to figure out relocation and give myself time to find a place, but I can pretty much be up here w/in 3-4 weeks.
(No, no commitments. He's pretty much made that clear. I just need time...time to open my hands and let the ash of my dreams/plans get blown away. I can be here tomorrow. There is nothing, really, nothing left to do. Nothing his engagement picture didn't kill.)


It's been a pleasure. You can expect to hear from us soon - we just need to do some final internal logistics but we feel really good about being able to finalize our decision within the next few days.


That's great! If you need anything in the meantime, just let me know. I can send you my references or anything else you need. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Do you validate?
(please, save me. make it all go away. Be my future...please, be what I need you to be)

I want this type of love again..

i want the kind of love that 9 years later, i can still remember the feel of the seats, his smell enveloping me, the rush of the scenery passing us by:

We Were In Love

We were young, in love, in Paris. That semester, we left behind any semblance of realism – left behind family, friends, obligations – we were young, in love, and in Paris.

There was walks down the Champs Elysees, frantic dashes to catch the Mona Lisa, moments of heightened intellectualism in the gardens.

In the train, you were leaning against the window. You’re hair, black, mussed. I see you, eyes closed, faint shadows under your thick eyelashes. Stubble grown dark against your skin, your lips slightly parted. Dark blue sweater, arms crossed over your chest, your body tight in repose. I stared at you and fell in love, hopelessly, on a train ride.

We were young, in love, in Paris.

2012..tick tick tick

Sometimes it's better not to know, to leave the lights off and fumble in the dark. B/c when you finally move past the glare of blinding light - you won't always like what you see.

It's a new year - full of promise? full of hope? and yet, there is still a steady drumbeat...the tick of a clock (not biological, mind you - never that!) that makes me feel as time is running out. A kiss that should have been just a kiss and ended up being more of a machete slice - still trying to figure out how deep the severing went. Another night of debauchery - wineglasses smashed in street corners, empty bottles, glittery ashes...hey, we've been here before.

2012, new year... here we go again