"she fell in love w/ advertising the way a young girl falls in love with love - wholeheartedly, irrevocably and with a naivete that quickly morphed to disenchantment, cynicism and the urge to slap the shit out of that which she thought she loved in the first place"

You just haven't found...

I was walking today and thinking of my work-out. More specifically, I was thinking of my current marathon training and what little - if any - excitement i get from my runs.  And I said to myself, quoting my physical therapist, "you just haven't found the right activity that motivates you ".... and I realized that phrase "you just havent found..." has been uttered in so many iterations for me:
you just haven't found the right job
you just haven't found the right guy
you just haven't found the right agency
you just haven't found that right motivation

and a small flash of anger fills me b/c I think - jeez, what the hell have i been doing all these years? If in 32 years, I haven't found (insert subject here), what makes me think I'll find it now? If I'm no more closer to finding MYSELF, what wasted days have passed me by?

Where do I even start? What part of the equation do I try to figure out - if it's all a sweater, what's the missing thread that will help bring it all together? And really, how plausible is it to find it now?

It's been 32 years, and I just havent found much of anything.

The Interview

So wow, leaving your hometown, that's a pretty big move. What made you decide to relocate?


Well, honestly, I've been looking for something a little different for a while now. I think changing scenery and looking at different markets will help keep ideas fresh. I want to see how other companies work and expand my way of looking at things.
(well, honestly, i just need to get out. I have been stuck in LA w/ the same life, nothing changing, and the sameness is killing me. I just need to leave...to be someone else)


That's great. Have you always lived in Los Angeles? Do you know anyone here?


Yes, I'm a total Angelena (laughs). Probably one of the few true natives. I know a couple of people, but I think that's part of the excitement - meeting new people, making new friends...
(I dont anyone here and i dont care. I just want to be alone. Go someplace where i dont sit there expecting him to walk into the same bar even though the chances of that happening is zilch..zero...i know b/c i've been watching the door of every bar for the past 5 years)


Well, the market is much smaller here and you'll find the pace is a little different. Are you ready for a change?


That's part of the allure - is being able to do great creative but w/ a different perspective. I am looking for a better work/life balance, though obviously, knowing that there will be certain time when work comes first. But I've heard that there is an emphasis on the personal life and I've always felt that in order to stay creative and engaged, you have to have a fulfilling life outside of our industry.
(I just need to be gone. I just need to go to a place where his ghost isn't on every corner, in every restaurant. To stop hiding at my agency - working 14 hour days so to never catch glimpse of a red mustang, torn before wanting it to be him, to not be him, for him not to see me. I want to stop never going home b/c i know there is nothing there...i want to come back from the walking dead)


I mean, your resume is outstanding. Would you be able to start right away or are there some commitment or timing issues we'd need to consider?


Thank you. I am definitely ready to take the plunge. I would have to figure out relocation and give myself time to find a place, but I can pretty much be up here w/in 3-4 weeks.
(No, no commitments. He's pretty much made that clear. I just need time...time to open my hands and let the ash of my dreams/plans get blown away. I can be here tomorrow. There is nothing, really, nothing left to do. Nothing his engagement picture didn't kill.)


It's been a pleasure. You can expect to hear from us soon - we just need to do some final internal logistics but we feel really good about being able to finalize our decision within the next few days.


That's great! If you need anything in the meantime, just let me know. I can send you my references or anything else you need. I look forward to hearing from you soon. Do you validate?
(please, save me. make it all go away. Be my future...please, be what I need you to be)

I want this type of love again..

i want the kind of love that 9 years later, i can still remember the feel of the seats, his smell enveloping me, the rush of the scenery passing us by:

We Were In Love

We were young, in love, in Paris. That semester, we left behind any semblance of realism – left behind family, friends, obligations – we were young, in love, and in Paris.

There was walks down the Champs Elysees, frantic dashes to catch the Mona Lisa, moments of heightened intellectualism in the gardens.

In the train, you were leaning against the window. You’re hair, black, mussed. I see you, eyes closed, faint shadows under your thick eyelashes. Stubble grown dark against your skin, your lips slightly parted. Dark blue sweater, arms crossed over your chest, your body tight in repose. I stared at you and fell in love, hopelessly, on a train ride.

We were young, in love, in Paris.

2012..tick tick tick

Sometimes it's better not to know, to leave the lights off and fumble in the dark. B/c when you finally move past the glare of blinding light - you won't always like what you see.

It's a new year - full of promise? full of hope? and yet, there is still a steady drumbeat...the tick of a clock (not biological, mind you - never that!) that makes me feel as time is running out. A kiss that should have been just a kiss and ended up being more of a machete slice - still trying to figure out how deep the severing went. Another night of debauchery - wineglasses smashed in street corners, empty bottles, glittery ashes...hey, we've been here before.

2012, new year... here we go again

Why Do We Do This (AKA Life Should Be More Simple)

Today, after crying my way home b/c i'm so exhausted yet have tons of work to do, i received an IM from one of my fave peeps saying, and i quote, " I hate my life...cause all i do is work and its a bit out of control." I hate my life b/c all i do is work....

when i left my past life (ie - quit my job for a year of bum-dom) it was b/c i had had enough. My life was void of energy, excitement, hope - everyday, i sat in my cubicle and thought about how badly I wanted to smash my computer against the wall. I'd brood and make references to Azkaban and dementors...it was lovely. And just when it got to the point where I couldn't fathom walking into the warehouse of despair one more time, I quit. It was time to put myself first - i thought in that year I'd discover all sorts of talents and opportunities and life would change. And then a year later i realized i wasn't anywhere closer to finding out what made me tick, i was running out of money, and yes, i missed the craziness of advertising. So I dusted off my resume, made myself sound smarter than I probably am and got a job. And today, (3 weeks into said job, mind you), I left the office after putting in a solid 11 hours knowing I was just going home to work a good 2-3 hours more and it sucked. It sucked b/c it took me right back to Life = Work = Life mentality. Why does work have to be never-ending? Why does anyone feel it's ok to expect non-stop mobility and scrambling for what? To sell something? Why aren't we just as consumed w/ living our life as we are w/ doing our work? Sigh - a lot of whys are whirling around my head BUT truth be told, i still have work to do so back to the grind I go.

Fairytales in Seattle

Let's just say April was a month of change...scary, life - altering change.

It pretty much started as most modern day fairytales: girl meets ad agency, is woo-ed by said agency, promises are exchanged, girl believes agency and thinks, "i could love you" - agency moves pretty fast, proposes, girl accepts...and the tale should end with..and I lived happily ever after in Seattle.

But wait! Before we get to happily ever after, we must go through all the obstacles and thorn-ridden paths as one is wont to find in fairytales. There was The Beast, who should have been captivated by the girl's love and vowed to change and love her back. There was the long winding road to oz to ask a wizard for a new home only to find out that he wasn't doling out requests at that time and there was the winged horse who should have been bringing reinforcement but fell asleep halfway between Seattle & LA. We even fought forces of nature while navigating through the endless hills & mountains of the 5. All in all, it was a fairytale w/ various twists & turns worthy of the Brothers Grimm.

How does this translate to Reality (TV)? The agency proves to not be quite what was expected so I spend the first week alternating between sheer panic and utter hopelessness (how soon can I quit is probably not the best mantra to be running through your head by day 3). The Beast (nee THE EX) should have broken free from his trance w/ my somewhat psychotic, hey-do-you-still-love-me email but instead preferred to ignore it. As in, ignore me...holding out my heart - do you hear the PLOOP? That's said heart landing ass up somewhere between Wilshire & Whitworth. The Wizard was Seattle (get the emerald city nod - yes, i'm pretty witty in my own mind) who dashed my hopes of cheap apartments and huge spaces - The 'Toto-we're- not-in-LA" dream but none-the-less, I'm sure there's a direct correlation to the fact that my apt ended up being the last one I saw and the fact that I had 20 minutes before having to head to the airport. Pegasus was the chariot w/ my bed, clothes and all sorts of goodies who decided I hadn't camped out often enough and therefore would arrive almost 5 days after moving into my apt.

And yes, there was snow - in april - snow!

And so the fairytale should end -there should Happily Ever After banner held up by two chirping birds, azure blue sky, Prince Charming leaning in for the kiss...sigh... BUT in Reality (TV) we're behind...we haven't quite made it to the end just yet.

B/c there is a prince, I just haven't met him yet. There is a land far far away and I love it - I love the buildings, the streets, the Seattle-ness of it all. And the villain that needs to be vanquished - well it alternates between work (oy) and my own pessimistic views b/c as we all know - good triumphs. And I'm the main character in this fairytale so by all rights, I win! I just don't know how many pages are left before we get to ... And she lived happily ever after. THE END (cue in chirping birds)