Why Do We Do This (AKA Life Should Be More Simple)

Today, after crying my way home b/c i'm so exhausted yet have tons of work to do, i received an IM from one of my fave peeps saying, and i quote, " I hate my life...cause all i do is work and its a bit out of control." I hate my life b/c all i do is work....

when i left my past life (ie - quit my job for a year of bum-dom) it was b/c i had had enough. My life was void of energy, excitement, hope - everyday, i sat in my cubicle and thought about how badly I wanted to smash my computer against the wall. I'd brood and make references to Azkaban and dementors...it was lovely. And just when it got to the point where I couldn't fathom walking into the warehouse of despair one more time, I quit. It was time to put myself first - i thought in that year I'd discover all sorts of talents and opportunities and life would change. And then a year later i realized i wasn't anywhere closer to finding out what made me tick, i was running out of money, and yes, i missed the craziness of advertising. So I dusted off my resume, made myself sound smarter than I probably am and got a job. And today, (3 weeks into said job, mind you), I left the office after putting in a solid 11 hours knowing I was just going home to work a good 2-3 hours more and it sucked. It sucked b/c it took me right back to Life = Work = Life mentality. Why does work have to be never-ending? Why does anyone feel it's ok to expect non-stop mobility and scrambling for what? To sell something? Why aren't we just as consumed w/ living our life as we are w/ doing our work? Sigh - a lot of whys are whirling around my head BUT truth be told, i still have work to do so back to the grind I go.

Fairytales in Seattle

Let's just say April was a month of change...scary, life - altering change.

It pretty much started as most modern day fairytales: girl meets ad agency, is woo-ed by said agency, promises are exchanged, girl believes agency and thinks, "i could love you" - agency moves pretty fast, proposes, girl accepts...and the tale should end with..and I lived happily ever after in Seattle.

But wait! Before we get to happily ever after, we must go through all the obstacles and thorn-ridden paths as one is wont to find in fairytales. There was The Beast, who should have been captivated by the girl's love and vowed to change and love her back. There was the long winding road to oz to ask a wizard for a new home only to find out that he wasn't doling out requests at that time and there was the winged horse who should have been bringing reinforcement but fell asleep halfway between Seattle & LA. We even fought forces of nature while navigating through the endless hills & mountains of the 5. All in all, it was a fairytale w/ various twists & turns worthy of the Brothers Grimm.

How does this translate to Reality (TV)? The agency proves to not be quite what was expected so I spend the first week alternating between sheer panic and utter hopelessness (how soon can I quit is probably not the best mantra to be running through your head by day 3). The Beast (nee THE EX) should have broken free from his trance w/ my somewhat psychotic, hey-do-you-still-love-me email but instead preferred to ignore it. As in, ignore me...holding out my heart - do you hear the PLOOP? That's said heart landing ass up somewhere between Wilshire & Whitworth. The Wizard was Seattle (get the emerald city nod - yes, i'm pretty witty in my own mind) who dashed my hopes of cheap apartments and huge spaces - The 'Toto-we're- not-in-LA" dream but none-the-less, I'm sure there's a direct correlation to the fact that my apt ended up being the last one I saw and the fact that I had 20 minutes before having to head to the airport. Pegasus was the chariot w/ my bed, clothes and all sorts of goodies who decided I hadn't camped out often enough and therefore would arrive almost 5 days after moving into my apt.

And yes, there was snow - in april - snow!

And so the fairytale should end -there should Happily Ever After banner held up by two chirping birds, azure blue sky, Prince Charming leaning in for the kiss...sigh... BUT in Reality (TV) we're behind...we haven't quite made it to the end just yet.

B/c there is a prince, I just haven't met him yet. There is a land far far away and I love it - I love the buildings, the streets, the Seattle-ness of it all. And the villain that needs to be vanquished - well it alternates between work (oy) and my own pessimistic views b/c as we all know - good triumphs. And I'm the main character in this fairytale so by all rights, I win! I just don't know how many pages are left before we get to ... And she lived happily ever after. THE END (cue in chirping birds)

The Orange Bowl in all its philosophical glory

today i was watching the award ceremony for the Orange Bowl Game. Stanford won a huge victory and they were awarding the MVP, Andrew Luck. (btw, i'm not a big BCS fan or anything, it was just on while i was at the gym) Anyway, as they were all clamoring over this boy, Andrew, I thought about how long it's been since i had one of those life-defining moments. and not just me, but anyone...when was the last time that you had a moment that would forever change your life. This boy's career is about to skyrocket and he still has 2 more years of college left...will he live to the hype? will he get hurt and look back to today as the best day in his life?
I think one of my biggest concerns in life is that this is it - i peaked back in high school or college. I received an award and looked out to the crowd, confident that my life would be more than just a middle of the road existence - that i would rock every moment of life. And its not that i'm saying my life is mediocre - it's not. It's a damn good life but sometimes i wonder if it's too small of a life... did the dreams of grandiose just die along the way or did i become smarter as an adult?

I once read something from one of my fave authors - Paulo Coehlo. He wrote, "the third symptom of the passing of our dreams is peace...we put aside the fantasies of our youth, and we seek personal and professional achievement. We are surprised when people our age say that they still want this or that out of life. But really, deep in our hearts, we know that what has happened is that we have renounced the battle for our dreams – we have refused to fight the Good Fight."
I've been somewhat conflicted since i read this because is having a peaceful life really just giving up? Did we trade in our great dreams of being an NFL star, a famous author, an Oscar winning actress along the way? Will this boy, Andrew Luke, wake up one day not a football star but a very successful bank manager? Will his life be good but will he see it as a failure to live up to what he could have been?

I want to ensure that my life is one i can look back w/out regret. And for the most part, i think it is...but then what has been the last thing of GREATNESS that i've done? Something that is out of the norm? And i guess, it also becomes a matter of subjectiveness....but i worry- did i let some of my dreams die w/out ever mourning their death?